How to stop saying 'Yes' when you really mean 'No'

Do you find yourself often saying ‘yes’ to things that you don’t want to do? Do you often say ‘yes’ to things when you actually mean ‘no’? Do you feel frustrated and disappointed with yourself for making commitments when you don’t actually have the time? Do you feel angry and resentful towards people who ask you to do things?

It's not uncommon; many people find it incredibly difficult to say ‘no’ to others. Not being able to say ‘no’ when you need to can mean that you over commit, causing unnecessary stress, which can even lead to depression and anxiety in the long term. So why is it that such a simple two letter word can be so hard to say?

It all comes down to our beliefs. People tend to have beliefs about saying no that can be unhelpful. For example, we may believe that it is rude or selfish to say no when someone asks you to do something, or we worry that we might hurt the other person’s feelings and that they might not like us anymore. Some of us may even have the belief that we should always try to please others or that other’s needs are more important than our own.

These beliefs are not always true, and there are other things to consider that might make it easier to say no to others. For instance, when you are saying no, you are actually refusing a request not rejecting a person. It is also less likely that others will take it personally, as it is shown that we tend to overestimate how hard it is for the other person. We don’t trust that others can handle our refusal, but chances are that they will understand.

Here are some useful and effective tips on how to say ‘no’.

Tip 1

Say ‘no’ directly. When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to, just say ‘no’. Sometimes it’s ok to be straightforward and honest, but not rude, so that you can make the point effectively. You don’t have to apologise either.

Tip 2

Say ‘no’ while reflecting back the person’s feelings. In this way, you show the person you understand how they feel. For example, “I know you’re looking forward to catching up after work, but I can’t make it today.”

Tip 3

Say ‘no’ and give a brief and genuine reason. For example, “I can’t meet you for dinner tonight because I really need to get my uni assignment done”. If you genuinely want to meet the request, you can also leave room for saying yes in the future. For example, “I can’t have dinner with you tonight, but I can make it sometime next week”.

Tip 4

Say ‘no’, and repeat (the broken record). Sometimes saying no once isn’t enough, and people can be really persistent, especially if they know that you can be easily persuaded to change your mind. That’s why it can be handy to repeat a simple statement of refusal over and over, no explanation needed.