Toxic Positivity- What is it?

Toxic positivity is having the mindset that one should always have a positive attitude to any situation, even when bad things happen. It’s telling people to “just stay positive” when they are going through something difficult, or to “look on the bright side” when something upsetting happens. Putting a positive spin on things has become our culture's way of supporting other's through difficult situations, because we find it hard and uncomfortable to deal with other people's pain. When we tell others to focus on the bright side, we succeed in avoiding the more difficult conversations. It's important to be aware that always taking a positive thinking approach may be harming rather than helping others, and yourself, and here's why.

Adopting the positive thinking approach can become toxic and harmful when it is used as a response to all situations because it fails to take into account painful emotions that are perfectly normal and valid when going through something hard. Being told to “just stay positive” or "think positively" can minimize our painful feelings and can make us feel invalidated. Imagine a scenario where you have just lost your job and you're feeling upset and angry, and maybe even scared about your ability to find a new job. If you then confide in your partner who responds with something like " just be positive and everything will be ok" you might feel ashamed about your fears and reluctant to share more about how you're really feeling. In that way, toxic positivity can make us want to hide our painful emotions from others or feel guilty for feeling anything but happy or optimistic.

Positive thinking has become confused with realistic thinking - the terms are used interchangeably but they are not the same. When you think realistically, you take into account the realities of a situation, and weigh up the positives and the negatives. Psychologists encourage realistic thinking because it allows you to take a more objective view rather then getting caught up in the negatives. However, this does not mean dismissing the negatives altogether, which is what tends to happen in toxic positivity i.e. putting a positive spin only and ignoring the rest.

The other problem with toxic positivity is that it can lead to 'magical thinking' i.e. the belief that our thoughts have the power to cause or prevent bad things from happening in real life. The truth is, our thoughts are not that powerful and how you think about something will not change the outcome. What is true rather, is that the way we think can influence our emotions and how we feel in a situation. If we go back to the example of losing your job, if you think "I'm a failure, I will never find another job" you are more likely to feel down and anxious compared to thinking "it may take me some time to find another job, however it will happen eventually" you are more likely to feel more at ease and calm.

How do we change Toxic Positivity?

If you recognise the signs of toxic positivity in yourself, here are things you can work on.

Acknowledge your negative emotions instead of denying or minimising them in yourself or others. This means giving yourself permission to feel your feelings, no matter what the emotion is and accepting that there are no good or bad emotions.

Focus on listening rather than offering solutions or platitudes when others tell you about how they are feeling about a difficult situation. Most of the time when people confide in others, they are not looking for solutions but rather just want to be heard and have their feelings validated.

Focus on realistically appraising the situation by weighing up both the positives and the negatives rather than just putting a positive spin on it. If you notice that you tend to get stuck on the negatives, ask yourself "what's the evidence that this is true or likely to happen?"

Understand that thoughts don't cause things to happen, rather how we think has an effect on how we feel. Whether you think positively or negatively about a situation is not going to change the outcome, but working on your thinking can change how you feel about a situation.